It used to be that when we enquired how someone was, the standard reply would be “fine”. Truthful or not at least fine provided the potential for a more prolonged conversation. Have you noticed nowadays how many people respond with describing how “busy” they are? And, “busy” snapped out the right way, can stop a conversation in its tracks.
How has busy become the new default? One theory is that we have adopted and accepted it as a response to demonstrate our value and worth, to both an employer and friends, using it almost as a badge of honour. In a work environment perhaps it’s a misguided belief that appearing to be working to overwhelmed status enhances our career prospects. In my career, I have also seen it utilised, (and it has been a guilty pleasure of mine in the past) to deflect, preventing further engagement from a wandering bored associate needing a chat, but perhaps more so, as a tool to pre-empt the possibility of them putting an irksome task on the to-do list. Sometimes the ‘busy’ conversation can be as subtle as an associate walking at pace around the office, eyes cast down using non-verbal cues that say “I do not want to be intercepted’.
“Busy people always seem to find the time to tell you just how busy they are”
I worked for a boss many years ago who held the refreshing view that while getting and staying on task was way more productive than multi-tasking, employees needed to be flexible and confident enough to be able to rearrange their priorities to the businesses’ needs, not their own. He commented humorously: “ever notice how busy people always seem to find the time to tell you just how busy they are?” He wasn’t the only employer I know who was wary of perpetually busy employees. It seems people think they are raising their career stakes telling anyone who will listen how busy they are, but it can easily be seen through and described as being disorganised or unable to set clear priorities and boundaries. Perhaps it’s not creating the image of management material that was hoped for.
The B word can be an unfortunate way to tell someone, whether you mean it or not, that they simply are not a priority.
The “B” (busy) word seems to have bled seamlessly into our social framework as well. Only here it can be personal and destructive. The B word can not only appear downright rude but damaging to personal relationships. It seems to have become a socially acceptable state and reason to decline offers, interaction and put off social connection. It’s also an easy off the shelf tactic to avoid responsibility. It can become like a game of cards with family and friends stacking their level of “busyness” to excuse their lack of presence or commitment to a social responsibility and this is where it gets personal as the B word is an unfortunate way to tell someone, whether you mean it or not that they simply are not a priority. How many times have your heard yourself or others say “everyone’s busy”? It can become a real power play of self-importance and need if everyone buys into it e.g. “I am it” being self-employed, having a more senior position than another, more overall responsibilities, having over scheduled children etc. It is definitely a word to be used carefully, or not at all is my personal preference, and we will get to that and potential substitutes shortly.
Busy is not an emotion or a feeling. It’s an adjective to describe having a great deal to do. What we chose to do based on our values and priorities is our business, but we need to be mindful what we continually tell ourselves and others as a default – For our sub conscious is always looking for evidence to support our narrative.
“Just make sure saying yes to someone isn’t saying no to yourself, that’s a sure way to create resentment”
Many people I have worked with, helping untangle their complex lives have a belief that busy is something that has just happened to them. That they have been put upon and the demands on their time are unreasonable. They have that conversation with themselves, with me, and sometimes by venting to others, adopting a victim like status of never-ending demands for their time. It’s not easy to hear when you are feeling like you are drowning in tasks, but people can only give you what you accept, you have a choice. Becoming overwhelmed and having a meltdown at work or in your personal life is totally human, and it can be a useful catalyst to wanting to make meaningful change. It is a flag and a starting point for me that there is probably a lack of clear boundaries, fear in having direct conversations, or an underlying need to please everyone. As someone said to me a long time ago “Just make sure saying yes to someone isn’t saying no to yourself, that’s a sure way to create chaos and resentment of others”.
Perpetual busyness as an ongoing choice can also be indicative of a coping strategy, like an addiction to defuse and distract from what is going on around an individual and feelings they simply don’t want to manage or confront. While it can be a useful technique to prevent prolonged and unproductive rumination, never taking a moment to reflect, can keep us in long term harmful cycles including vocations, relationships and environments that don’t support our wellbeing.
“There is a big difference between a full life and a busy one”
I asked a couple of colleagues in the USA and UK who interface with some “impressive” clients every week their thoughts on using the B word. They were adamant they would never use the word busy with clients or in fact friends and agreed it was rude. I said that I felt a lot of people in business use the B word to portray success to other clients, but that given we all work in specialist areas to drive wellbeing and balance it wasn’t setting a great example. We use words like: productive, vital, growing, in demand, and at capacity.
Comparatively, I also would never tell a client I was tired or hung over as I want them to always feel they have my undivided attention and priority. I love what one of my colleagues said “There is a big difference between a full life and a busy one” A full life has all the components of fulfilment in balance, time is well spent including planned downtime for self, and acts of service for others, as opposed to just long lists of things to do and places to be with no real alignment between that list and what is truthfully important to you. Given my colleagues and I are all in the Well-being business, when we work with busy addicted clients, that’s the place we are always driven to begin work with unravelling and resetting, as that behaviour holds people in an unhealthful state, and often has many other associated poor health indicators such as poor sleep, nutrition/weight, exercise consistency, and isolation.
If you are feeling you might be on the busy treadmill and identify with being a regular user or recipient of the B word, you are not alone. It is just another aspect of our daily living that has crept in and been accepted as the norm, all the while not serving us. Perhaps just start to take notice of how saturated your daily life is peppered with it, at work, casual conversations with the Uber driver, the shop keeper, and with friends and family. If it’s something you are motivated to change, you can alter the big picture, long term by starting with completing some values work – understand who you really are and determine what is important to you. If you are not spending your time and investing your energy supporting that, you will always feel a level of stress or unalignment.
On a daily basis look at the mental “list” and ask yourself “whose priorities are these really?” Of course, there are some commitments that are undoable, but don’t be afraid to have a retrospective conversation for some of the more fringe tasks – perhaps along these lines “At the time I didn’t give this my full attention, I now realise it isn’t manageable, and that may cause you disappointment, can we have a conversation to reset expectations”? That may sound long winded, but re-read it carefully inserting your own language without losing the context: You are accepting responsibility, addressing their potential disappointment and politely inviting them to renegotiate. It is kind, consultative, and way more adult that coming up with a BS excuse, or B word defence.
“One of the best outcomes of not using the B word, is that it drives us to have more honest conversations.”
For me – In my personal life, after noticing of how easy it is to get drawn into the “busy rort”, I made two decisions: 1. Not to use the word myself and 2. Stop going along with it, sweep past it when it’s used by friends and family. Like all things It is a work in progress, but with deliberate practice I know I can embed it. Conversely, I have also learned after many years that it doesn’t work to be in any kind of a relationship/friendship with someone that can’t make you a priority. If someone is only ever focussed on their needs being met and controlling the dynamic, you are going to feel dissatisfied and eventually very frustrated. Less can indeed be more when it comes to friendships/relationships.
One of the best outcomes of not using the B word, is that it drives us to have more honest conversations. We can tell friends that we are unavailable due to work or other commitments and offer another option – It’s not “no” it’s “not now”. Or in some cases, we can simply say no because it doesn’t work with other pre-arranged commitments, or it’s something we just don’t want to do, and it’s totally ok to say that too.
If you have the opportunity today, see if you can notice how easily “busy” is saturating your interactions. Your awareness can help move you towards having a full (the F Word) and mindful life, moving forward, as opposed to a busy (The B Word) life, full of mindless activity.
© This original blog is authored by Dee Hunter and the intellectual property of MeInc.
You agree that you will not modify, copy, reproduce, sell, or distribute any content in any manner or medium without permission.